


My Condolences

by Frostwells



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Abra Kadabra - Freeform, Alternate Universe, Angst, Canonical Character Death, F/M, I'm Sorry, Post 03x18, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 15:53:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10494297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostwells/pseuds/Frostwells
Summary: Last time he saw her, she was alive, smiling at him after they saved him from a psychopathic gorilla. But that smile was gone, and Harry didn't even get to say goodbye.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is an au where Caitlin actually dies and doesn't become Killer Frost. 
> 
> For the first time this season, this ep left me shook. Took me eighteen eps to get an emotional reaction out of me when Harry's not there. I really want to know what would've happen if it were Cisco and Harry operating on Caitlin. Surely those two are more qualified in the medical field than Iris.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THE FLASH. IF I DID HARRY WOULD BE THERE.  
> CLAIMER: I DO OWN ALL MY CAFFEINE-INDUCED GRAMMAR MISTAKES.

According to Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, there are five stages of grief an individual experiences when someone close to them dies; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  

So, when Harrison Wells of Earth-2 first learned of Caitlin Snow’s death, he laughed. Not in disbelief, not in humour – he just…laughed.

Of course, he didn’t believe it. How could he when the young doctor was alive and smiling at him only a month ago. Granted, a lot could happen within those thirty days he hadn’t been there on their earth, but to Harry, it seemed impossible that she would be suddenly gone.

His brilliant Dr. Snow that kept everyone alive, no matter what the situation read, was…dead.

Harry didn’t accept it; he _wouldn’t_ accept it. Even if Cisco travelled between dimensions to see and inform him about her, he shook his head in denial. Even seeing the utter look of heartbrokenness etched on Cisco’s face, a man who wore his emotions on his sleeve, Harry wouldn’t accept it.

Cisco croaked, his eyes red-rimmed with tears. “Harry, she’s really gone.”

“No.” He shook his head. “ _No_ , that’s impossible.”

“There was this metahuman from the future and a bomb exploded and she got hit –”

“Shut up. Just…shut up.” Harry removed his glasses and rubbed his face, suddenly feeling drained. “Where is she now?”

“She’s in the med-bay. We’re thinking of putting her in the mausoleum in the basement of STAR Labs until we can make funeral arrangements.”

“Take me to her.” It was more of a demand than a request and Cisco knew this. Thrusting his left palm out, the familiar blue distortion started to form in the middle of Harry’s office.

With one last glance at Harry, the two men jumped into the breach, both in denial about Caitlin’s demise, one more than the other.

-

Caitlin was lying on the gurney with Barry by her side, clutching onto her limp hand as he sobbed. Harry’s doppelganger stood in the corner of the med-bay, looking oddly solemn, save for the tears strolling down his face.

At the sight of the young biochemist, Harry’s stomach lurched.

Harry walked over to the bed, looking at Caitlin’s face in profile as she remained motionless. If Cisco didn’t tell him Caitlin was indeed dead, Harry would’ve mistook her for being only asleep, with her porcelain skin and all. He lifted his hands but let them drop to his side, unwilling to bring himself to touch her. Perhaps if he did, he can no longer blame her abilities for her cold skin.

“Harry,” Barry croaked out, his face blotched with tears. “I’m so sorry, I couldn’t save her.”

The brunet’s words fell deaf to the older man’s ears. Apologies meant nothing to him. It won’t bring back Caitlin and it certainly won’t alleviate the pain that was slowly forming inside of him.

Maybe if he was here with them instead back on his earth, she’d still be alive and smiling. Maybe if they got rid of the inadequate version of himself who calls himself bloody _HR,_ and found someone actually useful, Harry wouldn’t be here, mourning.

He inwardly scoffed at himself. Who was he trying to fool? No matter how many times he ponders that what ifs, the end result is that Caitlin is gone.

“How did she die?” Harry asked, his eyes never leaving Caitlin’s peaceful face.

Cisco sniffed, “After the bomb went off, shrapnel and debris got into her body. We got the ones on the surface out but we must’ve missed a few internal ones and caused a blood clot in her kidneys, leading her to have a seizure.”

“We tried our best to save her, but she was just…gone,” HR piped in.

Harry’s voice was ominously low as he turned to look at his doppelganger. “And where exactly were you during all this?”

HR looked away in shame. He couldn’t exactly tell him that while their friend was dying, he was off in a two-day love tryst with some woman named Wanda. If he did, HR was certain his fate would be exactly like Caitlin’s, if not more painful.

Much to his relief, Cisco replied, “He was out doing errands for me because I believed he wouldn’t be of use to us facing Abra Kadabra.”

Harry nodded, accepting the answer even though he had an inkling that wasn’t the truth.

It’s been so long since he had felt this lost; not since his wife died. He made a promise to himself long ago that he wouldn’t get attached to anyone after Tess. He devoted his life to one person only and that’s his beloved daughter, Jesse.

However, things had changed when Harry had unintentionally let his guard down around Team Flash, Caitlin in particular. The biochemist had been kind towards him, even when he was hostile. She accepted him for who he was and didn’t view him as replacement for their Harrison Wells; she genuinely cared for him and his daughter.

Harry would even go as far and say he was fond of her. Even when she was nothing more than an acquaintance, he was willing to sacrifice his life to save her from a psychopathic gorilla and then a serial killer. He didn’t know why. It felt like it was the right thing to do, even if it meant giving up rescuing his only child.

He clenched his fists, as he bit back a sob.

He will no longer hear her teasing tone, have someone an intelligent conversation, someone to scold him about his horrible parenting skills; he will no longer have Caitlin Snow in his life. 

_Unless…_

Harry’s eyes widened beneath his frames as he regarded Barry with interest. He moved around the bed, and tugged on the collar of the speedster’s sweater, pulling him up.

Barry shrugged him off. “What the hell, Harry?”

Harry’s face wore a look of steely resolve.

“You are going to travel back in time and bring back Snow.”

He looked at the older man in disbelief. “You can’t be serious.”

“I’m very serious. You will alter the timeline and save her. You owe her that much, Allen.”

He shook his head sadly. “You know I can’t do that.”

A muscle jumped in Harry’s jaw.

“You know what I do think? That you’re a selfish, whiny bastard who’d only risk everything for himself!” Harry snapped, his azure eyes flashing brightly with anger.

“That’s not true!”

Harry’s blue eyes narrowed. “Oh? Not true? Well, how about we recount the all the instances you have altered _multiple_ timelines for your own selfish reasons, hm?

“You’ve gone and created Flashpoint and for what? Oh, that’s right – to bring back your dead mother. Then what happens after that? You’ve indirectly murdered Ramon’s brother. You’ve brought the god of speed into this world and if that wasn’t enough, you’ve turned people into metahumans whom according to you, Allen, weren’t supposed to be metas! Now, look at Snow! She’s dead!”

Barry drew himself to his full height, which was about an inch taller than his dead mentor’s counterpart.

“Caitlin died not wanting to become Killer Frost! We all know she’d rather die than become like her doppelganger! You should know that better than anyone!”

“No, she died helping you alter the damn future!” Harry jabbed a finger at the board listed with future events. “If you weren’t so adamant on saving Miss West, Snow would be still be here with us!”

“So, I’d have to choose between my future wife and my best friend?”

Harry walked over to the clear board and grabbed a marker, crossing out the headline, ‘Killer Frost still at large.’

“Seems the decision was monogamous,” Harry said pointedly, jutting his chin towards the wedding ring on Barry’s finger.

Harry didn’t see the punch, nor did he feel it until he was stumbling a few steps backwards from the impact.

“Don’t you dare imply that I didn’t care about Caitlin,” Barry grounded out, his fist clenched tightly.  

Harry scoffed in disbelief before throwing a fast jab to Barry’s stomach. One punch turned into two and then three as Harry managed to hold him by a firm grip on his shoulder.

The scarlet speedster was thrown off by the intensity of the hits and was mentally berated himself for not anticipating this. The older man used this same move on Hunter Zolomon once upon a time when he pissed him off royally. But he wasn’t about to take his punches.

“Stop! Guys, just stop it!” Cisco yelled, trying to pull the two men apart. HR tried to assist but he only got hit in the process. Stepping back, Cisco raised both his hands and two bursts of a vibrational blasts impacted them both, effectively knocking them away from each other. They landed on the floor with a harsh thud.

Cisco shook his head. “Caitlin wouldn’t want the two of you fighting.”

Harry groaned as he clutched the part of the stomach where the blast had hit him. He propped himself up as he grimaced in pain. From the corner of his eye, he could see Barry doing the same.

HR handed him his glasses and Harry snatched it out of his grasp. It must’ve fallen off when Barry landed a hit on him.

“I can’t go back in time, Harry,” Barry stated, wincing at the pain when he attempted to stand up straight. “I’m really sorry. If I could, I would do so in a heartbeat. But not at the expense of risking anymore lives.”

“I know,” Harry admitted. He looked over to Caitlin. A part of him understands Barry’s actions when he rescued his mother. If Harry was a speedster, there’s no doubt in his mind that he would’ve gone back in time to save Caitlin. But he as to live with the reality that she won’t be coming back.

Cisco looked at Harry sympathetically. “We’ll give you a moment alone to say your goodbyes.”

The young meta gestured Barry and HR out of the med-bay, leaving Harry alone with Caitlin’s corpse. He sat on the edge of the bed, craning his head to look at her face. He placed a calloused hand against her cold cheek. He felt no warmth whatsoever.

“I’m sorry, Caitlin,” Harry apologized, his lips slightly quivering. “I didn’t mean to punch Barry like that. I felt angry. Not at him, but rather, at myself.”

He moved his hand to the soft curls of her chestnut hair. It was soft like he’d remembered when he touched it all those months ago when he hugged her goodbye.

“I promised you that everything’s going to be okay. That I wouldn’t let anything happen to you after what Zoom did to you.” He bit back a choked sob. “But I failed you. I let you die.”

Harry gave her a watery smile, not that she could see it anyway. “You’re a cruel woman. You know that right, Snow? You begged me to stay, yet in the end, you’re the one that left me behind.”

He bent his head as tears started to flow freely, the droplets staining his glasses.

“I didn’t even get to tell you how much you mean to me. How you broke through my wall and made me smile again. How you made me want to become a better man and father.”

He sniffled as he removed his hand from her hair only to grasp her left hand in both of his. He brought it close to his lips.

“I didn’t even get to tell you that I love you.”

He didn’t know when he fell in love with her. It just _happened._ Like one day, everything seemed brighter and happier, and he had the beautiful biochemist to blame. Maybe it was her fiery spirit when she scolded him about Jesse. It was the only time he ever yielded to someone in regards to daughter. Or maybe he was always attracted to her, from the very beginning when she ran after him.

Regardless, neither will never know of what they felt towards each other.

He clutched her hand tighter.

 

X

It wasn’t exactly rare to have a snowfall in March but it wasn’t exactly common either. In a way, they all assumed it was a sign from Caitlin by using her namesake, silently telling them that she’s there.

Her funeral was small, only her mother and the team flash members in attendance. They decided to bury her on a hill in the outskirts, just overlooking Central City.

“Caitlin always did have a thing for views,” Cisco chuckled sadly.

Barry patted his friend on the back reassuringly.

“She’s with Ronnie now.”

He blew into his tissue as the younger man gave him a watery smile. “I guess you’re right.”

Caitlin’s mother, Dr. Carla Tannhauser, stayed no more than ten minutes after burial until she stated she had pressing matters to attend to at work. Barry wanted to ask what matters were more important than her own daughter’s bloody _funeral,_ but Cisco held him back, wordlessly telling him to let it go. She wasn’t much of a mother to her then, what difference does it make now?

As much Julian loved her, he couldn’t bring himself to come. If he had tried harder, if he paid attention during the operation, maybe everything would have a different outcome. One that doesn’t require to put the woman he had fallen in love with six feet underground.

Cisco managed to bring back Jesse to this earth and she had been a mess ever since. Poor girl blamed herself for Caitlin’s death, stating that if she had been there, that if there had been one more speedster, she’d be still alive.

Harry attempted to console his daughter but how could he when he also blamed himself for Caitlin’s death? Seeing that the man is in no state to tend to his daughter, Joe took Jesse and his own kids back, including Barry, to his house, leaving Harry the last person to mourn for her over her grave.

“I guess this is goodbye, Snow?” Harry asked out loud. Of course, he didn’t get a response, his ears only hearing the faint sound of ambulances wailing in the distance and birds cawing monotonously.

He crouched down and placed a bouquet of white lilies against her tombstone. He placed his hand on it, his fingers tracing the instep of the letters.

 

In Loving Memory of

Caitlin Snow

1988 – 2017

 

“We never did discuss on the matters if there is truly an afterlife, and if there is, is it only limited to each earth or is it universal?” Harry stood up. “What I’m trying to say is, will I ever see you again?”

He wanted to laugh for himself. For a man of science, here he is talking out loud, hoping her spirit would respond back, if spirits and heavens really exists. He already fooled himself thinking that the snow is truly Caitlin and that she’s here with him.

He closed his eyes and tilted his head to the sky, the snowflakes melting on his warm cheeks. He felt a warm breeze engulf him, giving him a sense of comfort, almost like he’s being embraced.

_Wait, warm breeze? While it’s snowing?_

“Caitlin?”

He snapped his cerulean eyes open but as quick as it came, the breeze was gone, leaving him to bask in the chilly air. However, for the first time since he arrived back onto this earth, he felt oddly at peace. As if something was telling him everything is going to be okay.

Harry smiled to himself. Maybe Caitlin’s truly with him, and maybe the warm breeze he felt was really her. Who knows? But if he’s allowed to have wishful thinking, maybe it doesn’t hurt to think that perhaps one day, they’d meet again.

But in the end, it was only wishful thinking.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are much appreciated!


End file.
